Susan Van Sciver

Tag: humor

  • Spring Fashion Trends for the Feminist

    IMG_6840

    1. Tassels

    “Tassels are so fun! You can wear them as earrings, on a chain as a necklace, or even lining a top!” — SexyMagazinewithMalnurishedModels

    When I see a tassel, I think stripper. Thank you, cable television, for giving me images of strip clubs that I can’t unsee. I’m sure there’s some man I can blame for that.

    Who brought this trend back anyway – a cowboy?

    The grouping of cutoff strings on a tassel remind me of Aunt Edna’s pillows in the formal living room where no one sits except ladies awaiting a gentleman caller.

    To use the word of the moment, let’s RESIST, shall we?  Or we could just call this trend fringe..so much edgier!

    Which brings me to….

    2.  Pom-poms

    “Pom-poms are so fierce.You can line a pillow, your dress, your handbag, and, of course, your ears! Plus,they can be rainbow-colored. O-M-ROYGBIV!” —SexyMagazinewithMalnurishedModels

    I see pom-poms, and I think cheerleading; then I stop thinking. I’m not sure pom-poms are part of this girl’s “squad goals”.

    And, by the way, aren’t items named with a repeated word meant for toddlers? Do you think Anna Wintour can say “pom-pom” without breaking into a giggle. It’s like a grown up saying “doo-doo” or “wee-wee”.

    I say this trend is a “no-no”.

    3. Frayed hems

    “Intentionally distressed jeans are so 2016, to look effortlessly chic, try frayed-bottom jeans!” —SexyMagazinewithMalnurishedModels

    I’m sure I won’t look like Huck Finn getting ready to paint a fence; I’ll look like a liberated woman set free from a double-stitched hem.

    I think I rocked this trend back in the eighties when my mother was too cheap to buy me new pants and cutoff my sisters so I could wear them.

    Speaking of my mother, I’m sure she can relate to this type of rebellion. Wearing frayed hems is just like burning a bra, but without the fire hazard.

    4. The Cold Shoulder

    “Showing a little skin in an unexpected way is way sexy; try a cold shoulder top!” —SexyMagazinewithMalnurishedModels

    In some ways, this is exciting. I feel like us ladies have “cleaved” enough over the centuries to finally take ownership of what we’d like to expose. Why not don a blouse that’s just as butchered as a late-night Trump tweet?

    Michelle gave us the right to bear arms; 2017 is giving us the right to bear random ovals of skin.

    Personally, I like the cold shoulder turtleneck. It’s like the clothing equivalent of a mullet — business on the neck and party on the shoulder! Could there be a better look to thwart pussy-grabbing?

    Just remember:

    Whether you choose to accessorize yourself like a curtain tie-back or a throw pillow, whether you show flesh through frayed cloth or laser-cut holes, just remember it’s your body.

    It’s all about CHOICE, ladies.

  • Valentine’s and Honesty Don’t Mix

    Valentine’s and Honesty Don’t Mix

    *This was originally published 5 years ago,but the message remains the same: go ahead and lie*

    Today is Valentine’s Day.  This is the one day of the year that it’s okay to lie to your loved one.

    That’s right, I said it’s okay to LIE.  We do it all the time.  Check it out –

    First, we lie to each other in the cards we give.  The bestselling cards are not the ones that speak the truths.  For example, here are honest greeting cards that didn’t make the cut for Valentine’s Day 2017:

    1.  I love it when you pick the socks up on the floor without me asking.

    2.  I love how we still have that spark – even if it only lasts 5 minutes at a time..

    3.  You’re everything I ever dreamed of.  Of course, these days I can’t remember my dreams…

    4. I wish I could find the words to tell you how much I love you, but I’m tired from trying to come up with words to beat my coworkers at Words with Friends…

    5.  (And from the male perspective).  I love you just the way you are, even if you wear yoga pants 90% of the time..

    Second, women lie to their men to CHALLENGE them.  Some common lies she will utter:

    1.  “Don’t get me flowers because they die”.

    Yes, flowers die.  This is a trick.  She doesn’t want generic red roses in a cheap vase with a big bow.   She wants you to put more thought into it.  It doesn’t have to be expensive, but it does have to be creative.

    2.  “Oh, we don’t have to do anything for Valentine’s Day.  It’s just another day.”

    True, it is another day.  So is her birthday, your anniversary and Mother’s Day.

    3.  “Don’t buy me lingerie.”

    This is actually not a lie.  She means, don’t buy some sleazy lacy thing.  She does mean that a nice set of pajamas or loungwear would be lovely.

    4.  “This is just a holiday invented by the greeting card industry.”

    Once again, this may not be a lie.  She means, tell me you love me in YOUR OWN WORDS.  No pressure…at least write additional words into the greeting card.

    Third,  we lie to ourselves.

    1.  We use February 14th as an excuse to  eat excessively rich foods because we think that’s romantic.

    Eating a lot of chocolate fondue is not romantic.  The only thing hot and steamy after 10 forkfuls of strawberries dipped in chocolate will be your bowels…

    2.  We buy the generic stuff because we don’t think we have the time or the creativity to do anything better.
    You do and you do.  We all have online calendars to remind us well in advance and there’s this nifty thing called the internet with thousands of gift ideas – just borrow one.
    3.  We make the holiday about couples when there are a lot of people we love in our lives.
    February 14th is a great day to call or send a note to your single friends, mothers, grandparents and other loved ones.  It doesn’t have to be elaborate, just thoughtful.  If you call the single people, don’t tell them how fabulous your Valentine’s was – they don’t care.
     

    So it’s your decision on how much truthiness you want in your Valentine’s Day.  While I don’t think it’s sensible to lie, there may be a few exceptions…at least when it comes to the greeting card situation.

    P.S.  If you think you’ve missed your chance to do something really special, think again.  You can be thoughtful and sensible by buying 50% off candy the day AFTER Valentine’s Day.  If your woman is still insisting that she can’t eat chocolate, then break the candy up into pieces so all the calories fall out….

     

    Pin It